


I'm Not That Boy

by Nicknacks22



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 12:45:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicknacks22/pseuds/Nicknacks22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is holding on by a thread and Derek is just too much to handle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not That Boy

Stiles can't remember how everything got this bad. It seemed like one day it went from worrying about lacrosse and oogling Lydia to constantly checking his back and jumping at every little sound.

He misses the simplicity. He misses the security.

But Stiles isn't weak, he knows that even though things are bad, he can survive it. His energy is focused, pointed on what he wants and where he's going. But it's hard to keep the equilibrium.

He feels like the little platform of control that he's built for himself is awash in an ocean of other people's problems and worries and emotions.  
And then there is the tidal wave that is Derek.

Stiles has always been the hyperactive one, the one with ADHD, who "can't focus", "can't concentrate", "can't regulate", but Derek is on a whole new level. Even though Stiles attention can easily get blown to tatters, it doesn't mean that his emotions and his ambitions are crumbling.

For all the frayed awareness and short attention span, Stiles has always had a rigid control over who he is and what he wants.

And Derek is the opposite.

For all his intense stares and smothering, pointed attention, Derek's emotions are wild and unpredictable, his future goals are dark and unformed.  
And that's the kind of disturbance that Stiles doesn't need in his precarious position, the tenuous control he's managed to claim in his chaotic life.

As much as he loves Derek's heat and passion, the feel of his lips and his rough hands, the desire in his eyes, he can't let that shake him from his course. He has to stay balanced, and Derek is exactly the kind of wild, unfocused energy that could send him tipping into the rough waters along with everyone else.

. . . 

"Derek, stop, I can't." Stiles voice is rough. He never wanted it to be like this, never wanted to feel these things. 

Their hands are tangled together, eyes locked in the dark of Stile's bedroom.

"I thought you wanted me, wanted us." Derek sounds raw and vulnerable in a way that Stiles has never heard before, and that he hopes he never has to hear again. Every syllable feels like a tiny shockwave, dangerously rocking his platform. He has to get away from Derek, from his wild, untethered energy, from his warm hands and firm lips.

"No," Stiles says. "I don't want it, not like this. I can't be with you. I can't give you want you want. I can't give you me."

As Derek stands and turns towards the window Stiles can see the stiffness in his shoulders and the tremors in his hands. It hurts to see him like this, to know that he caused it. And it was his fault. He let Derek in, let him kiss him, let him think that his feelings were just as intense, that they had a chance. But Stiles knows that he has never been willing to give his heart away, to open himself up to the risks that it would bring. He has to stay focused on what he wants and where he's going. He can't lend his strength to someone else when he needs all of it for himself.

So he lets Derek climb out the window, lets him walk off into the night, lets him hurt.

And Stiles knows it was the right decision, that he was keeping with his best interests, but that doesn't stop him from crying.


End file.
